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Dear Myself.

Le 14 novembre 2017, 18:54 dans Humeurs 0

I'd say Hi how are but I already know how you feel. 

You feel an ocean of indifference yet mountains of anger. How is that possible? to have both of the deepest and most dangerous feelings ever, both those feelings in one tiny little heart and a young soul.

You spend nights wondering, how to save yourself... "How will I save myself" you wonder. 

I wish I had the answer. But I'm sorry to announce that there are no answers, darling, there are no real answers.

You see the sad thing about life is that it's basically one main illusion holding millions of confusing questions and thousands of illusional answers. One thing I learned till now, is that no matter how close you think you are to reaching the light, you never really are, and no matter how strong you think you are and capable of facing the darkness, you never really are. The concept of learning and discovering till you find the answers is a lie. When you're young, they make life seem like this fairy tail and assume that there's a solution to every problem, an answer to every question. Honey, No human being on earth holds the real key. Instead, there are some near-to-answer pieces that some people gather while going on an infinitely dangerous journey. One fabulous journey built by those unchosen disasters, those big holes we've in our little hearts, those rivers of tears we cry out of our small eyes, the thoughts we get in the middle of nights, that one big trauma that manages to follow us for the rest of our lives. 

You're still quite young, and there's a long journey waiting for you. Don't let the guilt of not being good  enough stop you from crossing your path. Don't let people's words create walls. Don't let your thoughts  tear the nerves of your mind apart. 

I need you to trust me, and believe me when I say that I may not know solutions or answers or keys. But I know that you are a reflexion of the universe. Quite complicated and messed up, yet you hold much light and strength. Breathe in, breathe out, and believe in yourself. Believe in yourself, for the sake of yourself.                                                

-Waiting for your shine to grow stronger- Love, yourself.

                                                                                    

Deal with the Light

Le 25 novembre 2016, 19:22 dans Humeurs 0

And at some point of the journey, you will meet some people, some really good people. What can I call them but "light"? precious light.

They talk to you, they look at you, they touch you, they smile at you, they take your tears away and warm you up. And you stand there watching your life get a little more comfortable, a little happier, a little better, a little shinier, a little fantastic... 

You stand there thanking god for such a beautiful tiny piece of heaven, thanking god for bringing those people into your life.

Since de day they stepped into your life, it feels like you got a home, a real one, built of love stones and trust bricks, decorated by deep conversations and honest feelings..

But for someone like you, it feels weird, you haven't been this comfortable for a while; and the last time you were? it broke you into million pieces. 

So you sit and tell yourself that this isn't real, that this is another shining fantasy that will leave you darker than before, and that you aren't the kind of person who gets to enjoy having a home, who gets to have someone by his side.. So you decide this thing isn't right and you step away and try to run from it.

But let me tell you one thing; you aren't some sort of an unfixable cup, and you aren't some sort of a miserable homeless cat. You are something real, thoughtful, brilliant. You are good and you are worthy of all the good things and the good people, so accept challenges, love people, have fun, share your unique soul and give yourself the chance to love and feel loved, the chance to feel warm on the coldest of days, the chance to sleep while looking at the roof and seeing nothing but some perfect stars. It's okay to open up to people and cross the edges of your safe zone, that's how things should be. There would be no rules if people didn't cross limits, there would be no happiness if there wasn't sadness, there would be no light if there wasn't darkness.

So deal with this fact, deal with life, and be strong. Take challenges while knowing you will win anyway, while holding yourself together and being ready for the worst, while loving yourself enough to know that it's okay if all people leave because you have yourself, while believing you are strong enough to deal with any disaster coming. Give your best, but be smart while choosing your best. Love as much as you can, but be aware not to give them all your love and stay empty.

Take the light, enjoy it, learn from it, know how to deal with it and how to deal with its absence.

Be strong, live your life, be free.

I am not myself

Le 21 novembre 2016, 23:44 dans Humeurs 0

Why did you stop writing? People keep asking me this again and again. 

Why did I stop writing? They wonder.. Why did I stop writing? I wonder too..

So I ask myself, I talk to myself, try to understand myself and get to understand the reason I haven't written for a while, is it because I am empty? Or because I don't like writing anymore? Am I running away because I think I am not good enough? Am I too sad and speechless to write? 

I couldn't really get a clear answer for any of those questions, instead, I could understand a fact that could maybe be a real explanation, or maybe not? The fact is; I am not myself..

Yes, I dont feel like myself lately, it's as if I'm standin somewhere taking a break from myself and my life or watching it and discovering new things about it or running away from it or going on a trip to find some good food for myself and my soul.. I don't know, all I know, is, I am not myself.

And probably everyone on this earth experienced, has been experiencing, or will experience this stage where you're somewhere out of your life and you re someone something but yourself.

You will probably feel a little too confused, messed up, or maybe even too lost.

You will only see the bad side of it and all you will think is "here is another mess, now I lost myself".

So if you are reading this, let me tell you one thing; It is okay not to be yourself for a while. It s totally okay. See it as if it is a break, a nap, a meal, a crisis, anything, it all leads to one conclusion, which is that it is all okay. Don't kill your soul, don't scare it, don't panic or feel frightened, it's not another disaster or another mess. It is not another darkness or another death. It's not another pain, or shadow. It's just a period, that all of us need, you need to take a break from yourself for a while, don't you? You wake up every morning and breathe and make so many efforts to live your day and be yourself and protect yourself from the harm that everything around you causes. You do this every single minute of everyday. Don't you think you deserve to reward yourself for all of this? You hold on to your dreams even though the difficulties suffocate you, You survive even though you sometimes see no light or hope, You breathe even when you feel like being dead, You fight even when you're so scared...

So, listen to me, don't panic. You're alright, take a break, take a GOOD break, don't let it harm you or ruin the way things are supposed to be. 

Breathe, not being yourself is okay. It is okay.

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